Inner and Outer Conflicts

            When thinking about my inner conflicts, one in particular stands out above the rest: self-centeredness. For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with the tendency to act selfishly and to think of my own desires before the needs of others. Consequently, almost every situation concerning my self-centeredness results in negative aspects. I have realized this problem and the need to correct it, but I fear that this self-centeredness is one of my major flaws that will continually need to be conquered over the course of my life. 

            Selfish acts occur daily throughout the world; humanity is not perfect, so its flaws are part of every day life. Therefore, my self-centeredness is also part of every day life. One of the instances in which this conflict is present is in my inability to listen to others’ problems for long periods of time. Sometimes I find myself mentally dozing when I am supposed to be listening to people talk. Other times, I will start thinking on tangents that pop into my mind when the conversation is relative. It is not that I am reluctant to hear what people have to say, but occasionally I get tired of my friends talking at me instead of with me. I feel guilty whenever I eventually make it back to the present topic, but only because I deluded the other person into thinking I was listening, not because I was thinking on my own train of thought instead.

            Another instance of my self-centeredness is seen in my habit to act stingy. When I was younger, I was reluctant to share anything with anybody unless it was originally meant to be shared, like a game. I had problems with allowing others to take things that were meant for myself, such as my food and crayons. As I got older, I learned to control the selfishness to an extent, but I still feel like I face complications with it today. Whenever I need to share with anybody, whether it be my snacks, books, or even time, I am hesitant to do so. Though I have fewer issues with lending my belongings, I would rather keep them to myself.

            This ever-present conflict within myself has always been there, and may never completely go away. However, over time I have learned that in order to be the best person that I can, I must show kindness and understanding to the world. My propensity towards self-centeredness hinders this goodness, so I must overcome the internal conflict to let my love for others shine.

            One outer conflict that I encountered recently has occurred within my church, Hillcrest, over the past couple years. The church, a Christian disciples church, divided into two sides pitted against each other. One side, mostly made up of the younger generation, called for change within the church. They wanted to install new aspects to services, like new music, and to rid the services of outdated and unnecessary practices in order to entice new members to join the aging population. The opposing side, comprised of traditionalists, wanted everything to stay the same within the church, and did not want any new music or practices to be added.

            Unfortunately, whenever members of the two sides were both elected to the church board, the real conflict arose. The church leaders could not make any concrete decisions because their ideas were so vastly different. Weekly meetings resulted in yelling most of the time, reducing some patrons to tears. The conflict reached a breaking point whenever members started to leave Hillcrest. Starting with the choir director, church members who had attended for decades switched to different congregations across the city.

As over half of Hillcrest’s membership departed indefinitely, the revolutionary members still called for change. Many did not like the way the pastor relayed his sermons because they were “boring” and “unrelatable.” As a result, the pastor decided to leave the church and find a new pulpit. Many members followed him, again reducing attendees by half. The church was left shattered, with only a meager fifty members remaining. Their tithes were barely enough to keep the large building running, let alone to pay for the guest preachers to come very week. Everyone had to contribute more time to organizing Hillcrest as a result. Each member was required to give their services in instances of singing, custodial duties, committee attendance, and new ideas.

The small version of Hillcrest continued for almost a year barely on its feet. Finally, candidates for new pastors were reviewed and narrowed down to one. Pastor Cox was hired to the position of pastor, and the church again had firm leadership to follow. The new pastor even brought about twenty new members with him, adding more stability to the rocked congregation. To the present day, Hillcrest is still working out new details for services and events with the pastor, but it is on the upward swing at last.

One thing I did not understand throughout the revival of Hillcrest was the way in which the two opposing sides handled each other. They were all Christians, all followers of Jesus. One thing we are supposed to do as Disciples of Christ is respect one another and treat others as we want to be treated. Yelling in each other’s faces and calling people names obviously does not fit under this category. The people involved in the conflict at the original meetings were also all adults. The lack of maturity and composure in the setting exposed a great concern for society. It got me thinking, if Christians, people who represent honesty, charity, and consideration for the world, cannot cooperate and exhibit their required traits of peace, how can the rest of the world cooperate? There has to be some way that the world can resolve its outer conflicts without resorting to base violence and disrespect to humanity, but it has not yet been found. The goal, therefore, in order for the world at large to coincide peacefully, must be to discover a means of cooperation that allows for every voice to be heard without loosing the condition of tranquility. 

My role as a Peacemaker

My role as a peacemaker started out back in the summer between eighth and ninth grade. This transition period between middle school and high school is a crucial time allotted to students for determining the type of activities they would participate in at the high school, and I chose to fill mine with band practice. Every aspiring instrumentalist was required to attend the marching band rehearsals throughout the summer in order to be enrolled in concert band for the spring semester. As a bassoonist, with no place in the marching band, I was forced to learn the art of percussion and play in the front ensemble of the band; that was when I met Karly.

There were a couple reasons a band student could end up in the front ensemble: first, he or she would be a percussionist who was assigned to the ensemble instead of the drumline. Second, the student could be a transfer from an instrument that is not included in the marching band, like me. Third, the student could be impaired from marching on the field, as in the case of a broken leg. Karly’s case was a bit different in that she was needed to play piano, so she switched from flute to the front ensemble.

The first year of high school, I did not get to know Karly too well; both she and I were quiet students who didn’t talk much to anyone we didn’t already know. However, by the time sophomore year rolled around, we started spending more time together. I began to realize that there was more to Karly than meets the eye. She did not have too many friends, but she was always cheerful around them. When around me, she was always full of energy and excitement, almost to a childlike point. I accepted Karly’s friendship, but since I was always busy with homework and practicing, I didn’t notice anything strange about Karly for a while.

When junior year arrived, I began to pick up on some strange facts about my friend. We were both still in the front ensemble during marching band, but Karly had multiple reasons for staying. She was always hurt in some way, ranging from the excuse of a sprained wrist, weak heart, and a case of pigeon feet. However, I did not question her, no matter the situation. Karly began to get into arguments with some of her other friends about truthfulness; many people believed her to be a compulsive liar. Karly would go on about things that weren’t there, and tell stories involving occurrences that didn’t actually happen. In one situation that lasted for what seemed like months, she kept telling me that her boyfriend’s family was out to get her, and that they kidnapped him for his own good. On one occasion, she made several people very angry for claiming that she was possessed by demons.

During these episodes, I didn’t completely believe Karly, especially as her stories got wilder. I didn’t give in to the explanation of lying either, because she was a smart girl who was very nice to others. Eventually I came to the conclusion that Karly had a case of schizophrenia, a fact that she was extremely reluctant to share with anyone. Be that as it may, as my visits to her house grew in number, I realized that her parents were very protective. Karly was on large amounts of medicine, and she was never on good terms with the rest of the household. When she came to school one day complaining loudly about how she did not have a mental disease, I could not help but think that the opposite must be true.

Fortunately, Karly never lost her trust in me. Throughout the years I knew her, I always stayed a friend and cast a listening ear her way. It is my view that everyone should have a friend and someone to talk to, so that is the role I played in Karly’s life. I was her healer through all of the disagreements with others, including friends, teachers, and classmates. Karly knew that I was always there to listen, and I was a person she could trust not to judge her. By graduation day, Karly had resolved most of the tension she faced over the years with her adversaries, and she changed her tassel with the rest of us. I was so happy that we were able to remain friends and that I could help her get through the challenges that stood in her way. My simple thirdside act of listening provided an outlet for her obstacles, preventing further conflict, and healing the pain of unnecessary anger.